The loss of a parent is a horrible thing to try and come to terms with.
It’s the ‘natural order of things’, but that fact brings with it no comfort.
My Mum passed in December after a short illness and I am currently working may way through
‘The 5 stages of grief’, the common stages that everyone goes through, and experiences in no particular order.
Grief doesn’t only include going through these stages but, as I’m finding, brings along with them a mixture of feelings and thoughts all at once.
Especially if, like me, you believe, no, KNOW, there is a continuation of life after we leave this physical plain.
Science tells us that energy cannot be destroyed. It can only be transformed.
When my Mum passed, I saw her ‘Soul’ or ‘Life Energy’ leave her body.
That’s the only way I can explain it.
I didn’t see her ‘die’, I witnessed her ‘life-force’ come out of her body and leave it behind.
Afterwards her body didn’t really look like her.
‘Mum’ and everything she is had left. Not died or ceased to exist, left.
If, as science tells us, energy is indestructible, then isn’t that saying there is an afterlife?
Isn’t science saying that the life energy, that is the difference between a living person and a ‘dead’ body, cannot be destroyed, so therefore it exists after physical ‘death’?
If the life energy continues to exist after it leaves the body, where does it go?
If the life energy that was my Mum went somewhere, where did she go?
Where is she now as I write this?
The shock of losing my Mum, even though expected, shook me to my very core.
From diagnosis to her passing was terribly quick.
I came back from doing a play at The Edinburgh Festival on August 28th, not knowing my Mum was even ill.
I went with her to the hospital on the 29th to find out why she was having stomach pains
only for her to be told she had Pancreatic cancer and had six months to live.
She passed on December 12th.
This shock of her loss, so sudden, caused all beliefs, views of the world, sense of foundation and grounding to be blown away.
It made me question everything, and answer that questioning in a negative way.
It made me want to dismiss everything.
Was there really an afterlife? No,
Was there such thing as Paranormal experiences? No.
Was it all just wishful thinking, tied up with hope and lies to try and make sense of loss and make us feel better. Yes.
All I knew was my Mum who had such a strong life-force, light, energy, sense of fun, interest, LOVE, was no longer here.
That deep loss was like a spiritual bomb going off, destroying all beliefs and faith in anything I held dear.
Grief can cause people to do terrible things, to themselves and others.
Before my Mum passed I made a silent promise to her and myself;
“I will not let my grief and pain at Mum’s passing lead me down dark paths, and I will not use Mum’s passing as an excuse to act in a self-destructive way.”
I’ve always tried to ‘keep an eye on myself’ and have always had as a personal mantra, a lyric by Chuck D, Public Enemy’s lead voice: “Check yourself before you wreck yourself”
taken from their track ‘Give It Up’.
A simple line but with a lot of power.
Once the shock of the loss of my Mum had started to begin to fade, I reassessed that loss effect.
I’ve had, as I’ve written and spoken about, many what I would call ‘Paranormal’ and just plain bizarre experiences during my life.
My family has also experienced these things, as have many of my friends.
I KNOW there is more to this existence than being, as materialist science fundamentalists would say;
a ‘Meat Puppet’.
I know ‘we’ are the life energy within these bodies.
Reclaiming my knowledge of survival after physical death brought with it more mixed emotions and thoughts.
If my Mum was somewhere else and could contact us/me why hasn’t she?
Surely she would want to let us know she was ok and was with us still?
I do believe that those who have passed can communicate with us in dreams or through a Medium.
(Yes there are charlatans, fakes and those who dress up what ‘gifts’ they may have with theatrics, but that’s for another post)
I did, a month or so after my Mum passed, have a dream that lead me to look something up on Google, that lead me to a page that had what seemed to be a message from Mum, but being a bit convoluted in the way I had to piece things together, (though it was too specific to her and our family to be a random occurrence), made me think’ Come on Ma, you can do better than that!
I don’t want to believe that Mum is able to communicate with me or another family member but isn’t for some reason.
I think there are other reasons a message may not yet be given or getting through.
Like I say, going through these stages of grief, coupled with a belief based on personal and family experiences with the ‘paranormal’ brings a complicated mixture of feelings and emotions.
At the family home (where years ago we had many odd experiences) we have recently experienced strange things in the form of the back and front doors opening and closing (not by us!).
Is that a ‘Paranormal’ occurrence?
These doors are either open or closed, you can’t leave them half-open.
So either someone outside is mucking about (I did look outside but saw no one around) or we have strange things going on here.
Maybe the rawness of emotion I still feel at the loss of my Mum is too strong for a message from her to get through at the moment?
Knowing Mum, if she can get through to me or particularly my Dad, she will.
I think the time must be right and we must be open and ready to experience such an event.
That doesn’t mean we should constantly be looking for one.
There are times when I feel Mum with us.
Whatever the future holds or delivers in ways of a message from Mum, nothing can replace or come close to her being physically here with us.
Working through grief is the hardest thing I have ever had to do,
but with the love and support of family and friends I’ll get there.
There’s no quick fix. It’ll take the time needed.
As Medium Mark Anthony writes in his book Never Letting Go,
it’s being able to get to the point where you can let go of the sorrow and hold on to the love.
Easier said than done at the moment.
Some days are better than others.
Remembering happy memories can bring with them the pain of loss.
It’s been nearly three months since my lovely Mum passed and not a day goes by without me missing her or thinking about her.
Hopefully time will, as people say, heal the pain and sadness.
Let go of the sorrow
Hold on to the love.